SEARCHING FOR JOY AND WORSHIP
My next-door neighbor’s bedroom is right next to mine. I know from my landlord that his name is John, he’s English, and he works as a bin collector (garbage man), which means he’s up early and then home the rest of the day. Based on hearing him but not seeing him, I can conclude two things: He watches TV a lot and he smokes a lot (chronic cough).
On the days I work at home, I sit at the kitchen table downstairs. Occasionally I’ll run up to retrieve something from my room and I’ll hear him watching TV and then, being the judgmental person I am, I’ll think to myself how sad it is that he doesn’t have anything better to do with his life than watch TV all day. What a joyless, boring existence.
But then recently I started thinking about joy in my own life. Where do I find joy? Do I have joy in Jesus? Do I even have joy at all? “Rejoice in the Lord always,” instructs the apostle Paul (Philippians 4:4). “I say it again: rejoice!” My days are filled with various church activities and then in the in-between times, I’m preparing for church things, doing life maintenance (eating, laundry, errands, and such), trying to read the Bible and pray daily, etc. Do I have more joy than my neighbor John just because I have stuff to do? Sure, I’m more or less content with my place in life. But is my life full of joy? And if I were filled with Christ’s joy, wouldn’t it overflow out of me? Shouldn’t I think the gospel is so great that I just can’t contain myself? Not that I’m depressive, but most probably wouldn’t describe me as bursting with joy.
I believe joy is tied with worship, and I’ve always found it difficult to figure out how to worship God in my own way. And this is bothersome for someone who desires to serve God for the rest of her life in some kind of ministry or missions capacity. I know some have said that worship is a “life posture” expressed through daily obedience to Him, but still I feel there should be a tangible way in which I specifically worship my Lord. Most worship music doesn’t do it for me, and as I’ve mentioned in a previous blog post, I don’t feel like I know how to “adore” God in my prayer time. I thank Him for all the things He is doing, but thanking is not the same as adoring. I can usually muster up one or two choice adjectives when I try to make myself speak words of praise to God, but it stops there. Praise is something I feel ought to flow out of me, but it doesn’t, at least not verbally. Perhaps I shouldn’t beat myself up over not finding the words. As Jesus quoted Isaiah in his harsh disapproval of the Pharisees, “These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me” (Matthew 15:8). I guess most importantly I want to identify how, and if, my heart is rejoicing in God.
Growing up, I took piano lessons for 12 years. Then I studied literature and film at college, worked in film production, and also got a degree in graphic design. The word “creative” had always been one of the three words I’d use to describe myself, but after studying design in London from 2004 to 2007 and getting a glimpse of what true innovative creativity is (in other people, not myself), I began to see myself as not creative and gradually I set aside all creative endeavors. I completely stopped drawing, playing piano, and writing, aside from what you see on this blog. (To be fair and less dramatic, I’d never actually done any of these on a very regular basis, but I certainly stopped having the desire to do them.) Last summer when I prepared my support-raising letter and illustrated a caricature of myself was the first time I’d done any graphic design since 2010.
Last month as I considered what goal to adopt as my new year’s resolution for 2016, the thought of developing my writing skills came into my mind and remained there. I set a goal to spend at least 15 minutes a day writing (which so far I’m actually finding more difficult to fulfill than my 2015 resolution to memorize the book of Philippians!) Then, at our apprentice retreat a few weeks ago, I spent some time doodling the 27th psalm, and the following week I decided to put my hands to the piano at my house. None of these creative acts are direct worship to God, but I do feel as if I am doing them in His presence, as if it is just me and Him. I was disappointed to learn that Eric Liddell’s famous quote, “God made me fast. And when I run, I feel His pleasure,” was never actually spoken by Liddell but written by the screenwriter of Chariots of Fire. I’d kind of been hoping that merely exercising creativity was “worship” in itself, but now I think I do have to be a bit more intentional about directing adoration toward Him. Yet I’m reminded that our God is the Creator God and He imparts His creativity to His people, as when He sent the Holy Spirit to fill the artisan Bezalel to design the metal and stonework for the Tabernacle as a master craftsman (Exodus 31:1-5). I feel that the Spirit is the one who put it on my heart this past month to bring my long-neglected creative skills out of hibernation. Aside from writing, I don’t think these creative attempts are intended for professional use, but more for personal time between me and God, at least for now. I hope this is the start of Him showing me a way forward to closer worship and greater joy, although the way is not yet clear.
Prayer requests:
Please pray for my heart to rejoice in God and for me and others to be able to see Christ's joy in me more tangibly.
Please pray that I learn to worship God in a specific and intentional way.
Praise God for giving me the desire to use my creative skills; please pray that I use them for His glory.
You might also pray that I get more opportunities with my neighbors, such as the Albanian neighbor I mentioned in my previous post! :)